So… it’s taken me a long time to try and put this into words… about 11 years actually (and I have had this saved in my drafts folder for about 2 months…)! I have recently started seeing a Psychologist and she is really helping me understand and unpack all this.
I like to call it – my Big Black Spider (BBS for short). A traumatic event that happpened to me 11 years ago. There is no need to discuss the details or explain what it actually is (especially since I am sharing this with the rest of blogville), because we have all faced a traumatic situation in our lives. Why Blig Black Spider? Because it is sneaky and nasty. It is a memory that hides behind the bookcase or picture where you can’t see it, and then when you think everything is fine and dandy it comes crawling out and scares the living daylights out of you! There is no ignoring it, supressing it, or avoiding it. No amount of ‘positive thinking’ will make that spider dissapear. It is real and it has influenced who I am (and btw I quite like who I am now).
What is so difficult is understanding that it is not part of me. I realised the other day that I am terrified of letting my BBS go. I am so attached to it that I feel like if it was no longer important – I would no longer be important… (when I put it like that – JEEPERS! that is scarey!)
When I first started practicing Yoga and Mindfulness 4 years ago, I thought I was over all this. I had a good life, great friends and a lovely family. Mindfulness and yoga especially have this incredible ability to remove all the book cases, pictures, sofas (whatever) that your BBS is hiding behind. It really cracks that nut right open revealing who you really are and how you are actually feeling (not the smiley face you put on to make others happy).
And so, here I am. Embracing my Big Black Spider. Sharing it with you, and hopefully providing insight into how to manage and care for your Spider without it ruling over you and jumping out to scare you!